week 39: the waiting game

2 months vs. 9 months 

Up until a few days ago i've been pretty patient waiting on this little guy. I was still feeling pretty normal and comfortable and honestly was just happy to have him healthy inside my belly. now that he has started to settle into position and has become rather large i'm finding myself very ready for him to make his appearance. now that we have officially hit our last week i am trying to mentally prepare myself for the fact that he could literally come at any time.  for the first and second trimesters i was just focused on getting to the next week, or the next appointment and making sure he was healthy and growing. i actually had a lot of anxiety in the beginning about something bad happening. but now i'm in the phase of "is it going to be today?" "will it be tomorrow?" "will i be 10 dyas overdue?!" literally ever time i do something i think "is this the last time i will do this pregnant?" im constantly worried about keeping the house clean, having the laundry done, having clean dishes, and just having everything in order "just in case" something were to happen. up until this point i havent really experienced many contractions or pain, so i don't really know if that means he's not coming for a while or if one day a switch will flip and ill just be in full blown painful contraction hell. everyone tells me that once i'm in labor and having "real" contractions i will know.... and that kind of scares me! 

honestly the last few weeks i've been seriously stressed about labor. not knowing what to expect in terms or pain and just the whole process overall. throughout my life i have only been admitted to the hospital once maybe twice and it wasn't for anything serious. i've always hated going to the doctor and going to the hospital makes my skin crawl, even if its just to visit someone else (maybe its the weird smell)... ahh makes me nervous just thinking about it- dont even get me started on needles!! soo the fact that i already know i'm going to be in a lot of pain and i'm going to have to go to the hospital, voluntarily, kinda just stresses/freaks me out. i just have this fear that i'll go into labor and i'm going to start freaking out, crying, blah blah blah!! i'm such a baby! im really hoping that the worst case scenario wont happen and by some miracle i will be calm, cool and collected. i pray everyday for an easy, smooth, uneventful NORMAL labor. 

another factor that makes all this stressful is that people just looove to tell you about a friend or cousin or sister who had this horrible labor yada yada yada, and its like um helllo... why are you telling me this? as if im not already freaked out enough! i just keeping trying to tell myself that no two labor experiences are the same. i know that know matter what anyone tells me, i cant really prepare myself because what someone else went through wont be what i will go through. i also know that women have been giving birth since the beginning of time soooo i guess this is kind of what my body was made to do, so everything will be fine. AND despite my hatred for hospitals i am grateful for modern medicine and doctors that i know will do whatever they can to keep me and my baby healthy and safe. 

much like the first few weeks of pregnancy, i have been experiencing a very wide array of emotions. i've cried more in the last week than i have my whole pregnancy, about a variety of many things. i find myself questioning my abilities as a mom and nervous i wont be a "good" one. sometimes asking myself "what did we get ourselves into?! we are juts kids ourselves!!" literally everyone asks me if i'm ready and if i feel prepared and usually my answer is "i think so.... but i don't know".. because i really don't. i have looked at lists about all the stuff you "have to have" and I've talked to friends and family about things i need, but i don't honestly think anyone can ever be fully prepared for this type of life change. even if i was to buy every single baby gadget at buy buy baby i still wouldn't be 100% prepared because I've never have MY OWN BABY!!! this is a completely new and unchartered territory for me and i have no idea what it will be like. i think its normal for first time, soon to be moms to wonder if they will be good enough and ask questions like: "will my baby like me?" "will i be filled with all that love everyone describes?" "will i still be a good wife?" "will i be able to breastfeed?" the list goes on and on and ON. no one tells you about this part of pregnancy, no one can get inside your head and help you understand what it will be like. so really all i do all day is envision and create different scenarios in my head about what could or might happen. all i can really do at this point is pray and hope that those god given motherly instincts that everyone talks about are real and that they really will kick in when they need to. writing out all these thoughts and feelings i have been having does kind of help- i tend to make things alot bigger deal in my head, but writing everything down and reading it makes it all seem a little less intense and scary. hopefully the next time i update it will be about our little babe and not about all my overdue pregnancy emotions! 

xo, kyndal 

1 comment:

  1. You're going to be a wonderful mommy!! I know this! 😘


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